


we can no longer wish for a happy ending

by miocean



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Aurora Borealis, Heavy Angst, M/M, Setting: Norway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-14 22:14:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18061151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miocean/pseuds/miocean
Summary: Norway, snow, cold weather, and the Northern Light or also known as Aurora Borealis.That is what Jae has planned since a long time ago, but now, stepping on the snow covered earth of the Norwegian ground, there is something missing, a hole in his perfectly planned plan. But, there is nothing he can do about it.





	we can no longer wish for a happy ending

**Author's Note:**

  * For [yellowpostitman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yellowpostitman/gifts).



> i was inspired from [this tweet](https://twitter.com/unhoelyaeri/status/1101420844666937344). this is my first time writing something like this, i hope it turned out okay.  
> the tittle is from Letting Go by Day6
> 
> anyway, enjoy and get your tissues ready.
> 
> Ps i just edited some grammar, idk if i managed to catch everything, sorry if they're still there.

 

 

 

Jae clutches his passport tightly as he sits on the cold, hard, metal chair, head down and his eyes trained on the front cover of his passport--as he waits for the call to board his flight. It still feels unreal, Jae thinks, it is happening way too fast, way too soon and his mind can't quite process the whole thing. He looks at the big monitor again--hanging on the wall, showing a list of cities, destinations as well as their gates and boarding time. His eyes scroll down the monitor, searching for his flight and then his eyes land on it, the white letters were written there. His first destination: Frankfurt, Germany. It will be a long flight, with multiple stops before he reaches his final destination: Norway. Jae plans to sleep as much as he can during the flight. He notes at the time. He still has a few minutes left till boarding.

 

Jae has said goodbye to his family at the departure gate earlier--hugging his mum tightly while his mum whispered a few words of comfort to Jae, telling him to take care and be safe while he is there. His dad gave him a manly hug, tapping his shoulder a few times before he smiled and said, “Take care, son.”

 

His sister didn’t say anything, surprising him as Jae knows how much of a ‘mother’ his sister can be sometimes. But, she just gave him a long, meaningful hug, as if she was transferring all of her emotions to him before sending him off. They said the customary ‘have a safe flight’ before letting him go, and Jae nodded, watching them for the last time before he walked through the gate, going through the normal procedures, customs and security check, and now here he is--and he still can’t believe he is finally going to see the Aurora Borealis. One of the top items on his bucket list is about to come true.

 

He imagines a landscape full of white backgrounds and snow, the looming white mountains, the snowy terrains. He imagines gazing up the night sky, watching as colours explode on his sight. He imagines watching the Aurora as he feels _him_ watching the lights together with him. Jae sighs, as he clutches his messenger bag, bringing it closer to him.

 

This is it, he thinks.

 

Jae hears the call for his flight soon after, and he picks up his rucksack, slipping his arms through the handles. He takes a deep breath before he walks to the gate, lining up behind the line of passengers that are on the same flight as him. He hears the excited chatters around him, talking about how excited they are to see the lights, or exploring the beautiful sights of Norway. He wishes he also had someone he can talk to as he has imagined it before--he would be like the rest of the passengers as he feels the jitters carousing through him, and Jae being overwhelmed by the sheer excitement as he will keep on talking to him. And _he_ , he will only laugh at him as he listened to Jae. It is what should happen but didn't. Besides, he has decided to make this as a solo trip of his own. He has to do this alone, no matter what.

 

Jae is adamant on doing thing his way, despite how many times Wonpil had said otherwise, or when Dowoon gave him that sad puppy-eyes, or even when Sungjin tried to meddle his way into it--and that is saying something when Sungjin, who is usually unbothered and trust him to handle his matter his own ways, was meddling into his affairs.

 

The line starts to move, as the attendants, dressed in the beautiful, straight, iron-pressed navy blue uniform informs them: “We’re ready to serve you. Please have your passport and boarding pass ready for checking.”

 

Jae double checks to make sure he has everything prepared as he takes a step forward. His phone rings, signalling a new message coming in. He looks over the screen as it lights up, displaying a message from Wonpil.

 

 **Wonpil:** _How dare you didn’t tell us that you’re leaving for Norway today! :(_

 

Jae smiled sadly as he types in a reply.

 

 **Jae:** _I'm sorry but I don't think I could go if you guys were here._

 

It takes a while for him to get a reply from Wonpil so Jae pockets his phone as he is nearing the attendant. She flashes him her customary cherry smile and says the usual phrase: “Good day, sir. May I have your passport and pass, please.”

 

Jae quickly hands the said items to her, as she scans through them. He watches her as she rips the pass into two, taking the smaller one before handing the bigger part back to him. Her smile never falters from her face, before saying the same line of ‘enjoy your flight’ before she tends to the next passenger. He is on his way to see the lights. Jae walks through the corridor, remembering him being so excited every time he talked about the Aurora, his loud voice saying:

  
  


_“Can you imagine, laying down on the snow, watching the lights, colourful burst of light, flowing above you, like you’re transported to heaven.”_

 

_“And how did you know how heaven looks like, Jae.” Another voice replied, he sounded amused._

  
  


Jae blinks when he feels his phone vibrates in his pocket, snapping the memory back in, deep inside his mind. Jae fishes his phone, tapping on the notification.

 

 **Wonpil:** _Have a safe flight, Jae. We love you._

 

Jae smiles, typing back a reply that said: Thanks, Pil. The male attendant greets him, as he steps inside the metal bird. Jae nods back at him, not bothering to ask for assistance as he walks away, finding his seat in record time. Then, Jae dumps his rucksack on the overhead bin before settling on his seat--he always preferred the window seat. Jae pulls his phone, placing the earpods in his ear. He picks a Maroon 5's song to listen to. He then places his messenger bag on his side, all prepared for the flight. Jae glances at the seat next to him, and he is hoping that it would remain empty as he waits for the signal for takeoff.

 

Lady luck is on his side as nobody claims that seat even after the attendant goes through the usual safety briefing. It should be a good thing, right? Jae smiles as he doesn't have to worry about dealing with a chatty neighbour or having to deal with someone in general. The pilot then comes on and announces that they're clear for takeoff.

 

Have a safe flight, Jae, he repeats in his mind. Jae gazes outside the window as the flight begins its ascend, feeling vertigo hits him, and the swirling of his surrounding.  He takes a deep breath when the plane hit its cruising altitude as the seatbelt sign is turned off. The song is nearing its end and Jae mouths along to the familiar lyrics, knowing them by heart. The song that he has sung numerous times, a song that holds something to Jae, and to him. Levine's soulful voice sings in his ear and Jae can't help but think about the lyrics.

 

‘Finding a way to bring myself back home to you.’  

 

The road home is nowhere to be found now, Jae thinks as he leans on the chair, closing his eyes as he lets the music lulls him to sleep.

  


+++

  


Jae inhales the chill air of Norway as he steps out of the airport. It has been a long 34-hours flight, and he is finally here, standing outside Leknes Airport, breathing in the Norwegian air. He looks at people passing by him, tourists and locals, as he waits for his tour guides to bring his van around.

 

It is chilly, as expected, he can feel the biting cold even though he is buried under layers of clothing. It was a good move on his part to use more hot packs than he had intended, as Jae grips the packs tightly in his hands, feeling the warmth. Jae sees the white van approaching closer, with the big bolded black words--Star Tours--plastered on the right side of the van.

 

Jae gets in after they finished loading his luggage in. His guide offers a few words, welcoming him to Norway before he drives him away from the airport. Jae appreciates it as the driver keep mum and didn't divulge into small talks with him. His guide knows the purpose of his trip, Jae has given him the details--just enough for him to understand without trying to probe further. It is a silent journey and Jae is left to himself, and his memories, as he watches the town passes by, and they form into a collective of blurry lines. He thinks about his dream of watching the Aurora Borealis, and how he is watching them all by himself.

  
  


_“We should go see them together then, so I can say ‘I’d told you so’ when we see them,” the younger, chirpier voice of Jae chuckled._

  
  


Jae’s mind replays the memory of the other person--of _him_ , grinning widely at him, his eyes glinted under the warm, afternoon sun. _His_ voice is still vivid, fresh in Jae’s memory. It is like _he_ is here beside him, and Jae can feel _his_ eyes bore into him while his eyed his own reflection reflected on the window, as it turns to the person in his memory. Jae grips the strap of his messenger bag tighter.

  
  


_"I accept your challenge," that voice said. They spent the rest of the day planning, imagining their trip to the northern region. It was one of the happiest days in Jae's life._

  
  


And now, he thinks, as the dark brown chocolate eyes disappear from his sight, replaced by his own familiar light brown eyes, he is all alone in this foreign land.

 

“Every step of the way,” he whispers to himself.

  


+++

  


Jae wakes up, startled at the sight of the unfamiliar surrounding. Then, he sees the framed picture, hanging alone on the middle of the wall--the Northern Light--and he remembers. He is here to fulfil his longtime dream. He is not in Seoul, he is currently in Norway. It still feels like a dream, Jae thinks, even when he can feel the unmistakable chill of Norway's weather piercing through his bone. The coldness here is different compared to Seoul, as it is way colder here. Jae yawns, getting out from the bed as he stretches his long body. He walks to the bathroom to freshen up. Then, after a long consideration, he opts to have breakfast in bed. Jae picks up the phone, ordering room service. It is a trip that he has been planning for a long time, and he has enough money to cover for two anyways.

 

It is a long, lazy morning for him as Jae savours the special Norwegian's breakfast slowly, taking his sweet time. The tv is turned on, serving as the background sound. A drama is playing on it, but Jae is too tired to give it proper attention. It has been a long flight, and the last thing he wants to do is watching a soap opera on his vacation. Besides, he doesn't understand the spoken language.

 

After breakfast, he lays back on his bed, scrolling through his phone as he googles on the attraction he can do here. He hadn't planned on doing anything other than gazing the Aurora Borealis. Jae curses himself for not making up a trip itinerary. He did have a plan, but it isn't applicable right now, because he doesn't want to do it alone. Besides, he doesn't have the energy or will to play tourist. He just wants to get things done and on his way flight back home soon.

 

Jae scrolls and scrolls, before he gives up, tossing his phone away. He decides to take a walk around town and exploring the place. What better ways to explore a town than walking around aimlessly.    

 

The clock shows that it is already twelve when Jae gets ready after he takes a hot shower and dressing warmly for the weather. He makes sure he wears an extra layer of clothing, knowing how weak he is against the cold. Jae puts extra hot packs into the pocket of his padded jacket, and he makes a mental note to buy more, just in case. He grabs his camera and its bag, before checking his messenger bag safely tucked underneath his jacket. Jae makes one last check as he scans the room, noting for any items that he might have missed. He leaves the hotel after he left his keys at the receptionist.

 

Jae is excited to see the town, as he walks, letting his feet bring him anywhere. It is a beautiful fishing town, slow paced and cosy, and the view is spectacular. He is awestruck by the scenic picture of the surrounding, taking pictures of the view and the locals, that Jae doesn't realise he has been walking for hours. He is beginning to feel the cold seeping through his bone. He walks inside a small, cosy cafe he has spotted, escaping from the cold and planning to put something into his stomach. He orders some hot coffee and he asks for food recommendation from the waitress, asking for something full and can warm him up.

  
  


_“They have a lot of seafood restaurant. Do you think they have a good sashimi restaurant there?” he asked, as he looked at his phone, scrolling down the page._

 

_Jae threw him a look, frowning as he sat up straight, pulling away from his comfortable position. He sighed deeply. “Is food the only thing on your mind?”_

 

_He laughed before he apologised. He pulled Jae back into his arms. "But, food is important," he paused as Jae groaned at him, threatening to escape, "okay, fine. I will stop talking about food from now on."_

 

_Jae eyed him before relenting in, sighing. “That is like asking Sungjin to accept Wonpil’s affection.”_

 

_He laughed again, as he asked Jae to talk about the aurora again--in which Jae happily indulged although he knew that it was a ploy to distract him._

 

_“I really want to see them with you.”_

 

_“Why?”_

 

_“Just because.”_

 

_“Just say that you’re a hopeless romantic and go,” he grinned widely, as he, as always, managed to see through him. Jae could feel his cheeks warming, and he could tell how red, bright scarlet his cheeks were right now. He pinched Jae's cheek fondly. “You’re so cute, Jae.”_

  
  


"Sir, here's your food. I recommend our special fish soup and sashimi. I hope you'll like your dinner," the waitress smiles after she serves Jae his food. Jae gives her a smile and she nods before sauntering away to entertain another customer.

 

Jae looks at the sashimi, as swarms of emotions begin to surface within him. Is fate playing with him? He picks up a piece of sashimi, dipping it in the sauce. He never thought that he will be having sashimi here. Jae eats a piece, chewing it slowly as he gazes at the thin slices of fish meat, delicately arranged on the white plate.

  
  


_“Do you think they have a good sashimi restaurant there?” he asked._

  
  


“Found it,” Jae whispers, solemnly, into the thin air--to no one in particular--as he eats.

  


+++

  


The next day, Jae walks along the shore, feeling the morning wind chilling his bone. He takes pictures, of the crashing waves, the calm sea and the picturesque view of the sky. He looks at the pictures he has taken, navigating between pictures displayed on the small screen. He smiles as he sees a picture of an elderly couple, sitting on a bench as they enjoy the company of each other. It is a sweet moment shared between them and Jae feels guilty for being intrusive. He deletes the picture after he admires it and burning the scene in memory.

 

Then, his eyes catch the pattern strap of the camera--reminding him of the owner of the camera. He remembers that _he_ was excited on taking a lot of pictures--of himself, of Jae and the surrounding.

 

Jae sits on the boulders, his back to the ocean as he set the timer on the camera and clicking the shutter. He stretches his arm, holding the camera as far as he can. Jae thinks about him, how he would pose for the camera, how big his smile would be. Jae smiles, big and all teeth, to the camera until he hears the sound of the shutter.

  
  


_“You should smile, when the camera is pointing at you, Jae,” he huffed, lowering the camera from his face, his eyes looking at Jae directly._

 

_“You know I don't like having my pictures taken.”_

 

_“But, it's me.”_

 

_“So?” Jae deadpan._

 

_"Park Jaehyung, how dare you," he scoffed, faking his offended gasp. Jae arched his eyebrow when he smiled like he was planning to do something. Jae narrowed his eyes, and he stood still on his place. He observed the man in front of him, trying to figure out his next move. He brought the viewfinder back to its position, placing it back behind his iris. Jae stared at him, tilting his head in confusion. Then, he heard a string of shutter sound, as he clicked the button, again and again._

 

_He was about to yell in protest, but Jae knew better. He knew that it was fruitless. He won’t listen to him, and he knew that it wasn’t something that irked Jae. Plus, Jae couldn’t be mad at him for long. Jae sighed deeply._

 

_"Thank you for the masterpieces, babe," he smirked at Jae when he finished. Jae, then, walked to stand him, before he watched the screen, displaying the pictures he had taken. His eyes widened when he saw all of the close-up pictures, the ugly candid pictures--of himself._

 

_“Did you zoomed in on my face?” Jae frowned._

 

_“Look at this flawless specimen, how can his skin looks so perfect?” he said, sounded proud._

 

_“Delete them,” Jae tried to reach for the camera, but he was way stronger than him. It is something that couldn't be explained when he was the athletic one in this relationship._

 

_And, it was futile, Jae can't seem to snatch it from him. Jae huffed, pushing him with all the strength that he could muster. He sat there, laughing happily, merrily as their eyes were watching each other. Jae, mesmerised by the way his eyes looked. His eyes looked so soft and so full of love. And he thought that it was okay to let him have the pictures._

 

_Because it was him._

  
  


"Do you want me to take your picture?" A couple is standing in front of him. Jae recognises them--they're the elderly couple that Jae had taken pictures of earlier. Jae blinks his eyes, unsure on how to respond to her. She glances at her husband before she reverts her gaze on Jae again.

 

"I can take a decent picture of you, don't worry," she offers again, smiling warmly at him. Her smile reminds Jae of his grandma, as it offers the same comfort like a warm blanket on a rainy day. Jae nods, smiling a bit before he hands over his camera to her. He stays rooted on his spot. The old woman starts the countdown--one, two, three and snaps--as Jae maintains his awkward smile.

 

She frowns at Jae's expression. “No, no, no. Smile,” she says, and Jae tries his best to pull a smile out. “Not like that, smile. Imagine me as your lover, smile like how you would to your lover.”

 

Jae blinks copiously, taken by surprise by the woman's words.

 

Ah.

 

“Ah, I--”

 

"Smile, dear," she says again, looking expectantly at Jae. She is so kind and Jae doesn't want to disappoint her. He takes a deep breath before he lets his eyes linger on the camera's strap.

 

“One, two…”

 

Jae closes his eyes for a second, he imagines _him_ standing behind the camera, looking back at him through the viewfinder while silently mouthing the word ‘smile'. Jae curves his mouth upwards, smiling like how he would every time he smiles at _him._

 

She looks satisfied with the picture, grinning widely as she hands his camera back. "Beautiful. Smiling looks good on you, child."

 

“Thank you,” Jae says, at loss for words as he takes his camera back. They bid each other goodbye and Jae watches them leave. They look so beautiful, so happy and so in love, and together. They are so lucky to have each other.

 

It is something that he can't have. Not when _he_ is not with him.

  


+++

  


The next day, Jae receives a call from his guide, telling him about the date for the Aurora sighting. As he has requested, someplace secluded, away from people and his guide has managed to do that, and even better, he has found a place where not a lot of people usually go for the sighting. So, Jae jots down on his planner, a few days away, five days to be exact until he can finally cross that item off his list. Jae thanked his guide, for going the extra mile with Jae's request.

 

His eyes subconsciously land on his messenger bag--laying on the table. He pulls out his phone from the bag, typing a text on the group chat: going to see Aurora in five days. Wish me luck. Jae sends a similar text to his mum before he puts away his phone, not bothering to read the replies from his mum nor his friends.

 

He closes his eyes, laying on the middle of the bed, as he thinks about the numbness inside. He isn't happy as he should be, or as happy as he has always imagined being when he knew that he will be seeing the lights.

  
  


_“I can’t imagine how excited you’ll be when we’re finally there.”_

 

_Jae smiled, bright, like the Christmas lights hanging around the tree, like a child that had been given a candy, as he grabbed his hand. "I know, I can't either but I bet I will be so excited until the d-day. And you will be there, beside me, hearing and witnessing all of it."_

 

_He laughed, and Jae loved the sound, deep and husky, vibrating in his ears. He arched an eyebrow, his eyes looked playful as he leaned closer to Jae._

 

_“Should I be scared?”_

 

_“Are you backing out, mister?”_

 

_He held his tongue, pursing his lips as he took a moment to think. Jae hit his arm, feeling offended that he was taking his time to say no. Jae smiled again when he heard him laughing. He kissed Jae softly, briefly skimming on his lips, once, twice, thrice, before he looked at him in the eyes. Jae, too, loved his eyes, the way it held a deep-seated fiery passion in it, but also at the same time, they looked so soft, so gentle._

 

_“I will always be by your side, Jae--”_

  
  


He suddenly feels a huge weigh on his chest, crushing him. It is suffocating, but Jae let it be. It feels nice once in a while, as he feels the numbness within him ebbs away. Like a fragile sandcastle, eradicated by the crashing waves. The pain helps, but it is not enough. Jae thinks as he watches the ceiling of his room. The lights are on low, it is already dark outside as the moon-dwelling on the sky, a myriad of stars decorating the dark canvas. Jae lets the curtains in his room wide open, the night lights bathing his room.

 

Cry.

 

He wants to cry. He wants to feel that hot liquid on his cheeks, flowing down, dampening his skin. He wants to cry, so much, _so_ bad. Cry, he shouts in his mind, again and again, and again. But, he can't. It is like his tear ducts have been sealed up, or is it because he has been crying so much that his tears have dried up, he had used up all of the tears and he can't cry anymore.

 

“Are you here?” Jae asks to the air--to no one. “Are you with me now?”

 

The silence of the room is deafening, and the truth becomes unbearable, sickening and Jae wants nothing more but to have him again beside him. Jae gasps, swallowing the lump in his throat.

 

"Why aren't you here, with me? You'd promised, Bri," he yells, softly, quietly. Like he will break if he goes any louder, like he will abandon everything that he has promised him. Him, Brian, sweet Brian, his Brian.

 

The fact that Brian is no longer within his reach, no longer beside him, becomes harder for him to deny as that day comes near. And after that day happens, he can no longer run away. Jae can’t lie to himself anymore.

 

He has given Brian his words. The promise that he has made with Brian is now sitting inside his bag, a part of Brian that has been entrusted to him, and he has to do it. Everyone is counting on him, Brian is counting on him. Brian has asked him, and he can't fail him now. No matter how much it pains him to do it.

 

“Every step of the way,” he says, holding on to those words tight. A stray tear makes its way down as Jae closes his eyes, his mind replaying back the memory of Brian.

  


_“--every step of the way,” Brian smiled at him, as they kissed again. This time, a proper kiss was shared between the two, as they sealed the deal. Another promise was forged on that day._

  
  
  
  


+++

  


Jae walks into the small bakery, entices by the smell of freshly baked pastries. The bell rings as he pushes the door, walking inside the shop. It feels homely, the wooden colour palette gives a speck of warmth to it. He walks to the display cabinet, eyeing the loaves of bread and pastries there. It looks and smells delicious. Jae chooses a few pastries as his late breakfast and ordered some latte to go with it. He then sits at the table, near the window overlooking the big, white snowy fjord. The waitress comes with his order shortly after and he thanked her before she left him on his own.

 

He is halfway through his second pastry when a man approaches him, asking if he can sit with him. Jae nods, making some space on the table for him. The stranger thanked him before sitting on the chair opposite of him.

 

“You're here on a vacation, I guess?”

 

Jae stops chewing his food, looking up to see the stranger in front of him smiling at him. He isn't expecting the stranger to strike a conversation with him. Jae looks at him awkwardly, unsure how to proceed with the situation. Jae is stumped as the man laughs, holding his right hand out for Jae.

 

“I'm Matthew, but you can call me Matt.”

 

Jae stares at his hand, contemplating for a while before taking them. He shakes them once, before introducing himself back.

 

“Jae,” he says. Matthew, or Matt, laughs at his blasé reaction. Jae sips his coffee, quenching his sudden thirst.

 

“How long will you be staying?” Matt asks again, he seemed keen to talk with him. Jae sighs, being careful not to let his displeasure shown on his face. He sips his coffee again, looking at Matt over the rim of his cup.

 

“Long enough,” he replies.

 

“Where's your wife?” he asks and Jae looks at him confusedly, “or, husband?”

 

Jae blinks at him. “Sorry?”

 

"Your ring?" Matt points at his ring finger and Jae's eyes follow Matt's finger to the familiar band on his finger. "I'm sorry if I just assumed stuff."

 

“Oh. It's okay and, no,” Jae shakes his head, gulping. “I'm not...I'm alone.”

 

An awkward silence then consumes them both. Jae has his eyes trained on his ring for a while before he sips his coffee, again. He is thankful to have the coffee to serve as something to calm his nerves down.

 

“Oh,” Matt looks away, embarrassed. Then he holds up his hand showing a gold band on his finger, coughing. “Me too.”

 

“Oh.”

 

"We just…did not work out. It was a mutual separation, but I still can't let go of this ring."

 

Jae looks down on his own. He, too, can’t let go.

 

"I'm afraid, I don't know...I guess I'm still hoping, somehow," he smiles. "What about you? You don't have to tell me if you want to."

 

“I’m sorry,” Jae twists his ring around, “it’s still hard… to tell.”

 

Matt nods, pursing his lips before he says, “can I just say something?”

 

Jae studies him, taking his time before he nods, giving Matt his permission to go on.

 

"When people said that you should accept what fate has written for you, they expect you to let go of the past and be happy," Matt smiles, his fingers go to play with his own ring. They share a moment of silence before they look at each other, and Jae can see the sadness masked behind his eyes. "But, I think acceptance means that you have come to understand and make peace with your grief, and you've understood what it really means in your life now. A new life without them. And it's okay if you're still sad or haven't moved on, because no one understands your feelings better than you. And we don't have to feel guilty about it."

 

Jae nods. He then watches Matt as he takes off his own ring. He carefully slides it off before showing Jae his gold ring, glinting under the light. Matt is smiling brightly, like a huge burden has been taken off his shoulders. Jae stares as Matt proceeds to place his ring on the table, before their eyes meet again.

 

“I'm really sorry for being a nosy stranger, somehow, but I guess I need to tell that to myself, by telling it to you, you know, psychology and stuff. Talking to a stranger makes you feel braver to do some stuff,” he pauses, staring at his ring before looking back at Jae, “and I need the courage to do that,” Matt points at his ring.

 

Jae smiles at him, “it's okay.”

 

“Thank you so much for indulging in me, Jae. I'll be going now.“

 

“Matt...I guess I needed to hear that too,” Jae says, stopping Matthew on his track. He grins. “So, thank you being a nosy stranger.”

 

Matt widens his eyes, his smile broadens. He nods at Jae before he walks away, leaving Jae alone with his own thoughts.

  
  


_Jae looked down on his lap, his fingers playing with the seam of his sweater. He looked out at the window--at the blue sky, the dancing leaves, and the singing birds. It was such a contrast compared to the gloomy atmosphere of the room he was currently in. The hospital had been a second home to him because of the countless amount of trips he had throughout the year--and the many more trips in the future, or less._

 

_There had been another attack._

 

_Jae had run to the hospital as soon as he got the message from Brian's mum. It had been, unfortunately, a daily routine for him, and every time Jae heard the sound on his phone, he felt like his heart was going to stop beating. He felt like everything was put on slow motion, and his phone was so far, far away from his reach._

 

_Jae had been listening to the doctors, as they explained the situation to Brian’s parents. Jae stared at Brian’s calm face, his eyelids closed shut, the rise and fall of his chest evident. He was sleeping serenely. But, the tired line underneath his eyes didn’t go away. His cheeks looked sunken each passing day, and his sun-kissed skin gone. His Brian looked paler and Jae didn’t like it. He thought back of all the time he adored Brian’s skin under the sun, how radiant and beautiful it looked._

 

_Jae didn't realise he had been clenching his fist tightly--his nails digging into the skin--when Mrs Kang covered his hand with her own. "Jae," she called his name softly. Jae looked up, and he saw her face, she was smiling sadly at him and he knew that look. The look of utter helplessness and in a need of comfort. She cried as she hugged Jae, clutching onto him tightly._

 

_Jae could feel Brian’s mum tears dampening his shoulder, hot and wet, as she muffled her sobs. Jae ran his hands up and down her back, hoping that it would be enough to calm her down. He had to be strong, for her. He can’t break down right now._

 

_"Jae, they said that we don't have much time," she said between her sobs, speaking as low as possible. "I'm sorry, my child. I'm sorry."_

 

_Jae was speechless. He knew that it was coming, but when Mrs Kang put it into words, Jae knew that it had become a reality he could no longer escape. He will lose Brian soon._

 

_"I'm sorry, Jae, my child," Mrs Kang continued to hug him, tighter, and Jae could feel the tears forming on his eyes. He bit his lips, holding on from breaking, from letting the tears flow down. It was suffocating. It was too much and his only wish now was to be alone with Brian. After a few minutes--it felt so long for Jae--Mr. Kang pried his wife away from Jae, taking her outside. They shared a knowing look with each other and Jae silently thanked him._

 

_Jae studied Brian's face, forcing his mind to take in everything, embedding everything into every single cell of his brain--forgetting nothing, remembering everything. The tears flew down, one by one, and Jae wiped them away using his hand. But, they kept on coming, down, down, down and he can't stop himself from crying._

 

_Brian will be taken away from him._

 

_He sobbed harder, covering his mouth. He didn’t dare to make a sound. Jae didn’t want to wake Brian and let him see the mess he was. He had to be the happy, bubbly Jae for him. It was hard enough to let Brian’s saw the sadness behind his smile, he never wanted Brian to see his tears. Jae folded his body, resting his arms on his knee. He buried his face in his arms, crying._

 

_“You'll be okay, Jae. I know you will.”_

 

_He looked up and saw Brian looking at him, smiling at him. He had been listening, he had heard him crying and it hurt Jae’s heart so much. Jae stared at him, inching closer to hold his hand, grasping it like it was his lifeline. More tears came down, and Jae didn’t care. If showing Brian his tears could make him stay, he will cry, he will make himself cry._

 

_“How can you know that? I can't,” he choked, pulling Brian’s hand to rest against his cheek. “Don’t leave me, Bri.”_

 

_“Jae,” he chuckled before he coughed, alerting Jae on his feet, “it’s okay. Sit.”_

 

_Jae sat down, his eyes never left Brian’s._

 

_“Jae, I will never leave you,” he smiled, rubbing his thumb along Jae’s hand. “I know that you can get through this, and I’ll always be beside you. Every step of the way, remember?”_

 

_“I can’t Bri. I can’t,” more tears flew down, and Jae can’t see properly behind the waters forming on his eyes. “I need you. I can’t do this without you.”_

 

_“You can, and you will...because I know you're Park Jaehyung, and the Park Jaehyung I know is a strong person, who can get through anything, a braveheart. And I’ll always love you,” he squeezed Jae’s hand, but Jae could barely felt it. He choked on a muffled cry, biting his lips from making out more sound._

  


Jae stares as his eyes are looking aimlessly, staring at the space in front of him. His eyes are bleak and emotionless. "Am I doing okay, Bri?"

 

And the silence greets him, as always.

  


+++

  


Jae stares at the small glass bottle on the table. He observes the grey ashes inside, as Jae thinks about his promise. The promise that he will keep in two days time. He has been cooped inside his room since the day his guide called him, thinking and getting himself ready for the big day.

 

Jae isn't sure if he will ever be ready for this. Should he just break his promise to Brian? Since a lot of promises has been broken between them. Jae isn't sure if keeping this one promise would make things any better. Will it? His eyes stray to the simple loop band, a white gold ring, on his ring finger, glinting under the morning light. It signifies another promise that has turned to dust, an unfulfilled promise.

 

He plays with his ring, twisting it around his finger. It has been weighing on his mind--the ring feels heavier, acting as a shackle that ground Jae in his prison. But, he is afraid, afraid of the possibility that comes with his action--to take the ring off from his finger. Will he forget about Brian? Will the pain fades away?

 

The ring holds a promise that supposed to be the happiest day in his life.

  
  


_“Jae, I’d plan, imagine of looking at you under the Aurora Borealis, admiring the way your eyes glint under the dazzle of its light, then looking at the way your smile curves, showing me your beautiful smile. And, I sneak my hand inside my pocket as I kneel beside you and having this presented in front of you,” Brian said, kneeling on his knee, smiling brightly. Jae gasped upon seeing a small, black, square velvet box in Brian's hands._

 

_They were sitting by the beach, watching the stars shining brightly on the night sky. They had been talking, about the past, their family and friends, and their life now. Then, they had talked about their future, and both of them had imagined each other in them, starting a life together, waking up to each other, and seeing each other as the last thing they see before they go to sleep--and things had led them here._

 

_Jae stared at him, speechless as the most beautiful smile Brian had ever seen graced his face. Brian leaned closer, cupping Jae’s cheek as he rested his forehead against Jae's._

 

_“Marry me, my love. I can't wait any longer, it’s torturously long enough. There's nothing more I want in my life…I want you, Park Jaehyung. Only you,” Brian held Jae's hand, running his thumb on his skin. “I want to wake up with you in my arms for the rest of my life. I want to proudly say out loud that you're my husband. I want to become yours as you're mine.”_

 

_Jae could feel his eyes welled up, as he choked on his tears. Jae nodded, smiling as he held his tears in. He closed the distance between them, hugging Brian tight, his arms intertwined around Brian's shoulders. He nodded again, once, twice before he pulled away. He looked at Brian, and he was so beautiful, and Jae couldn't ask for more. It was perfect--everything was._

 

_“Yes,” he grinned, as Brian's expression mirroring his own. “Yes,” he repeated, “A million times of yes. Yes, yes, yes.”_

 

_Jae laughed as Brian hugged him back before he kissed him senseless. Both of them were giddy, excited and the prospect of the future seemed much brighter than ever._

 

_“I love you, Jae.”_

 

_“I love you, Brian.”_

 

_“Every step of the way,” Brian slipped the band on his ring finger, a smile never left his face. Jae watched as the ring slotted nicely on his finger._

 

_“Every step of the way,” Jae smiled before he kissed him again._

  
  


It still is his happiest memory. That time, when the future seems so inviting, so wonderful and he remembers talking to Brian about their life together. How they have planned on adopting a dog, or cat, and after three years, they will have a child. They will have a loving family together.

 

They are supposed to have a loving family together.

 

But, everything is in the past and he can no longer go back there.

  


+++

  


"We're going to camp here, there is a big chance for the Aurora to appear tonight," his guide says, handing Jae a mug of hot chocolate. They have rolled out the tent, setting up the campfire and now, they sit around the warm fire, waiting for the Northern Lights to appear.

 

Jae says his thanks, sipping his drink. He feels the warmth hugging his whole being, chasing the cold away from his skin. He watches the sky in silence, his mind blank. Jae doesn't know how to describe his feelings right now. It is like a mixture of the whole spectrum of emotions, pouring in to his emotional pot, waiting for it to boil over.

 

He clutches the strap of his messenger bag tightly, while his eyes wander the expanses of the dark, clear sky. It is perfect, not a cloud obscures the night canvas. The weather is cold. Jae has buried himself under layers of clothing, he is wearing extra clothes for tonight. But, he can still feel the cold on his skin, they somehow managed to get pass through the barriers. He sips his drink again.

 

His guide is telling a story, a myth of about the Aurora, the legends of the Vikings, to him. But it serves as background noise for Jae. He feels guilty for treating the old man like that, but he can't focus on him. His mind is busy, thinking, anticipating the promise that he is about to keep soon.

  
  


_“Jae,” Brian called for him, as Jae looked up from the book he was reading. Brian was sitting on his bed, looking fragile each day, but he managed to keep his usual smile carved on his lips. It was still, his perfectly beautiful smile. Jae placed his book on the table before he walked towards him._

 

_"Hey," he said, sitting on the chair beside Brian's bed. Jae took Brian's hand in his, kissing them lightly as their eyes locked. He smiled, tried to be as chirpy as possible. "What's up?"_

 

_Brian laughed, before he bought Jae's hand to his lips, kissing them. Then, he scooted over, making a space beside him. Jae looked at him curiously, arching his eyebrow._

 

_Brian grinned, teasingly while he patted the space on his side, telling Jae to sit beside him._

 

_“I don't know, Bri. Is it safe?” Jae eyed the bed._

 

_"Come on, I need cuddles," Brian rolled his eyes before he patted the space again. Jae sighed before he relented to Brian's request. He slowly adjusted his body on the bed, minding the wires and other important machines, careful not to disturb them._

 

_“Now, what?”_

 

_Brian laughed as he pulled Jae into his arms._

 

_"Brian!" Jae protested, turning his head to look at him. He was about to complain about he might have hurt him but the thought went with the wind when Brian suddenly kissed his forehead. Jae frowned at him and Brian kissed him on the same place again._

 

_“You worry too much,” he said before kissing him again, this time, on the bridge of his nose. “I miss having you close like this.”_

 

_Jae let Brian kissed him, sighing against his soft, tender touches. He let Brian ran his hand against his back, to the small of his back before they settled there. Jae let Brian inhale the soft vanilla smell of his skin, Brian's nose hovering on the junction between his neck and shoulder._

 

_“I miss you,” he breathed onto Jae's skin. Jae let him touched him, letting himself get lost in the sensation that he had been denied for so long. Jae cradled Brian's nape, before running his hand on his hair, still soft albeit the rough edges._

 

_He never thought of how much he had missed this--touching Brian, feeling him so close by his side, feeling their heart, beating to a synchronised tune._

 

_“I miss you too,” Jae whispered, slowly, only for Brian to hear, fearing that if he let his voice out, he will break down and cry._

 

_They stayed like that--hugging each other, pampering one another with soft touches, longing graze. They let the silence be their companion, enjoying the time they had now. Escaping from the harsh reality, forgetting about all their woes and worries for a moment._

 

_"Jae," Brian said, voice low and hoarse like he was keeping his tears at bay, "I want you to know that I will always love you...even when I'm not here beside you."_

 

_Jae moved his body, making their eyes levelled. Brian smiled at him as he cupped Jae's cheek._

 

_“I want you to promise--”  “--No!”_

 

_Jae shouted, shaking his head and he could feel the tears were spilling out. “Don't. Don't say it like--”_

 

_The words caught in his throat. Jae was terrified, he did not even want to think about the thing that was running on his mind._

 

_“Like what, Jae?” Brian asked, softly as he rubbed the tears away from Jae's cheek. “We both know, I don't have much time left.”_

 

_“Please, Bribri. Please, no,” Jae begged, more tears were running down his face. He didn't want to listen to this. He didn't want to make promises that he can't keep. Deep in his mind, Jae knew about the things that Brian wanted from him._

 

_"Jae," his voice was so soft, Jae thought before he felt Brian rubbed his tears away, cupping his face with both hands. "I want you to promise, that--"_

 

_“--Brian, please.”_

 

_"Jae, promise me that when I'm gone, you will go and see the Northern Lights, and you will release some of my ashes there, under the Aurora," he said, looking at him with careful eyes, and Jae knew the thing that he was about to say next had been weighing a lot on his mind, and he had made up his mind. There was no way out from this. "And when my ashes have gone, when they fly along with the winds, promise me, that you will let me go and be happy."_

 

_It was harder for Jae to see Brian when his tears blurred his sight. Jae shook his head, a string of ‘no’ came out from his mouth._

 

_“Please, Jae. I know you, and I don't want you to do that to yourself. I don't want you to torture yourself with the memories of me, or trapped in the past. I want you to be happy. I want you to always smile.”_

 

_“This is too much to ask from me.”_

 

_“I know,” he kissed Jae's forehead, “but, promise me, Jae. Please.”_

 

_Jae looked at him, stared at him for a long time before he nodded. He silently agreed to his wishes, unable to mutter any coherent word because he knew, if he said it out loud, he would decline Brian's request, even if it's his last one. So, he nodded, once, twice and thrice, and he let the sobs escaped from his lips, filling in the room as Brian pulled him into him, hugging Jae tighter, running his hand up and down Jae's back. Brian murmured ‘I love you's, ‘I will always be beside you's, and their magic word, ‘Every step of the way's to Jae until he stopped crying. They laid on the bed, side by side, with Jae was resting his head near Brian's chest, hearing the rhythm of his beating heart, committing the sound to memory._

 

_It was his worst day, he jotted on his mind, and they had made another promise. A promise that for once, he hated Brian for making him do it._

  
  


Jae pulls the small bottle, with Brian's ashes, out from the bag. He observes it, placing it under the campfire's light. The light reflects on the bottle smooth surface, the lights glinting beautifully. But, he hates it. He hates how the bottle constantly reminds him of the promise forged on that day. He still, till this day, hates Brian for that promise. But he loves him too much that he hates himself that he can't hate Brian like how he wanted to.

  
  


_“Every step of the way,” Brian smiled._

  
  


“Every step of the way,” Jae says, looking at the bottle. He holds on to those words, keeping his resolve intact.

  
  


+++

  


“Hey, Jae,” Jae turns his head, looking at the smiling face of his guide. “Look,” he juts his head towards the sky, and Jae follows the direction. He sees a faint green colour appearing on the night sky.

 

“Is that--”

 

“This is the Aurora Borealis,” he said.

 

It is beautiful. Jae observes as the green colour becomes brighter, bigger, more vivid and vibrant on his eyes. The green curtains appear on the sky, flowing freely as if Jae is underwater, like he is watching the lights that are reflected on the surface of the ocean. It is beautiful, magical, like how he always imagine, and so much more. It is even beautiful than the videos of the Aurora Borealis that he has seen with Brian.

  
  


_“What’re we doing?” Jae asked, sitting on the floor of Brian’s room, like he had instructed. Jae watched Brian sauntered over to close the curtains, making his bed lamp the only source of light in the room._

 

_"Be patient," he smiled, shutting close all the windows' curtain in his room before he walked over and sat beside Jae._

 

_"What're you trying to do Brian Kang?" Jae arched his eyebrow, watching Brian plugged the USB cable to his phone, connecting it to the mini projector that Brian had set, its lens facing towards the ceiling. Jae tilted his head, watching Brian. Their eyes met and Brian threw him a lopsided grin as he turned off the only light in the room._

 

_“Now, watch,” he said, excitedly. Jae looked up at the ceiling, surprised at the image--video--projected. It was beautiful, he gasped before he turned to look at Brian--who was watching him from the start, watching the way his eyes widened in surprise, the way his smile made its way onto his lips, big and beautiful. Brian smiled back at him. “Surprise.”_

 

_“How?”_

 

_“Well, I just thought that, since we’re still young and broke, and the Scandinavian country is still a faraway dream, so the cheapest way we can see the Aurora is this,” Brian explained, the grin never left his face._

 

_Jae scooted closer to him, kissing him deeply under the lights._

 

_“You’re amazing, you know that?” Jae said, cupping Brian’s face with his both hands._

 

_"I know because I'm dating this amazing person right here," Brian kissed him briefly._

 

_“I love you so much.”_

 

_“And, I, you.”_

  
  


"Are you seeing this, Bribri?" Jae whispers, his head tilts up as he gazes at the spectacle above him. He cried. "It's so beautiful."

  
  


_“Jae, promise me,” Brian said._

  
  


Jae looks down on the bottle in his grip, staring at it as he gathers all of his courage, reminding himself of his promise with Brian. He has to do this. Brian wants him to do this. With shaky hands, Jae brings the bottle closer to him, twisting the cork open.

 

“I love you,” he whispers, softly, tenderly before Jae pours Brian’s ashes on his palm. He watches as Brian’s ashes slowly drift away, flowing along the winds, going up and up, meeting the Aurora.  

 

He did not cry during Brian's funeral. He did not cry when he watched Brian's cremation process. He did not cry when his parents came by to the hospital, after hearing the news about Brian. The last time he did cry is when Brian smiled at him, for the last time, as he mouthed ‘I love you' to him before he closed his eyes. And he never opened it since.

 

Now, he can only see Brian, smiling at him in his memory, on the videos that they had taken, on the photographs they had shot. Never the real person, never ever.

 

The last remaining ashes fly from his hand, as a stray tear rolls down Jae’s cheek.

  
  


_“--and you got to let me go, Jae,” Brian smiled sadly at him._

  
  


“I got to let you go,” he whispers, as more tears fall. “I--”

 

Jae feels he has no strength left and he falls on his knees, sobbing harder, louder. He yells, screaming, feeling his heart in so much pain as he lets out everything that has been inside for too long. It hurts so much, he thinks, as more tears fall, dripping on the white snow, spots after spots form and disappear. He clenches his now empty hand, bringing them to his face. Brian is gone and he is never coming back. Now, he is all alone. He has to let go.

 

“I have to let go of you,” Jae cried, tilting his head up as he gazes at the explosion of colours above it. His tears obstruct his view, as the Aurora become a messy, buzzy green line.

  
  


_“You’ll be okay, Jae.”_

  
  


He clenches his hand, shutting his eyes close, and Jae was making up the image of Brian, during that day, laying close beside him, smiling tenderly at him.

  
  


_"And when my ashes have gone, when they fly along with the winds, promise me, that you will let me go and be happy."_

  
  


“I will let you go now,” Jae said, gathering his last ounce of strength to stand up. “And someday, I’ll smile like I used to.”

 

Jae tries his best to smile, rubbing the tears away, as he looks up at the Aurora, at Brian. "One day, I will say I'm happy, truly."

 

But for now, he can't fulfil his last promise to Brian, but one day, he will. That day will come. He doesn't know when. Jae doesn't know how long will his grief last. And, he doesn't know when he will be okay when he can finally say he is happy. He doesn't know when he will wake up one day and thinks that he is happy. He doesn't know when he will forget Brian's face, his voice, his hug, the way his eyes look when he looks at him, and the Brian in his memory would soon be a distant past.

 

He will take his time, one step at a time, at his own pace as he walks alone, in a life without Brian. A new future that he needs to map out again. He will soon, but not right now.

 

But, for now, he is taking the first step, of being okay, with letting go, with everything.

 

“Every step of the way,” he says, as his eyes drift on his ring on his finger. He closes his eyes, holding back the tears from falling again. He takes a deep breath before he meets the flowing green, blue and pink flowing softly above him. And, he thinks of Brian, imagines him smiling at him, drawing his soft smile, his fond gaze and Jae can feel his soft touch on his skin. 

 

"I love you."

  
  


_“And, I, you.”_

  
  
  
  


_end_

**Author's Note:**

> lemme know your thoughts, throw your knife at me hahaha, i really need it ><  
> kudos if you like it <3


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